Free Sample Chapters

The Front End

In the beginning there were no toilets and there was no toilet paper, butt we each had to deal with the same amount of shit we've always had to deal with. This is the history of how we learned to deal with our shit by wiping it away.

Before we figured out how to wipe, we basically shit in our pants, butt we hadn’t invented pants, so it was okay. We used what we had at hand, sometimes literally, to finish the job. Eventually we got a clue and started using tools on our tush, such as water and wiping implements.

What we used to wipe depended on where you lived, the time of year, how advanced your technology was, and how much you really gave a shit. Suffice it to say, back then we had to make do with some pretty scary stuff in the buff; snow, clamshells, corncobs, rope, moss, and goosenecks if you were the fictional giant from the quote at the beginning of this book.



I also personally tested many of the ways we’ve wiped over the last four billion years and report on my findings in the Rough Start chapter. The moss was the best, butt it had an unfair advantage. First, I had eaten several high fiber meals making for a clean shit, and the moss I happened to find that day was from the top of a large rock that had been warmed by the sun. 

We humans are the champions of tool usage and so we quickly invented the toilet, toilet seat, low fiber diets, reading and writing. All of these things made wiping more necessary. Why? Because toilet seats make us shit in a position nature never intended. The squeeze our cheeks together and cramp our muscles. Our bodies are designed to squat to separate the cheeks and allow our muscles to easily push. Our bodies also love fiber. I can personally assure you from my testing, if you can bear to eat more fiber for a day or two, you will have a smoother experience, even on a toilet. Prehistorically we knew how to do the best doo we could do. Of course, all of our extra hair might have made for some golf ball sized dingle berries after a particularly sinful feast on wildebeest.



I will go further and contend that we invented paper for writing only after we invented paper for wiping. Think about it. We need to wipe, so we invent paper. Then we realize we need something to do while in the bathroom, so we invent reading and writing. We write on TP for a while, butt it’s too thin, so we invent thicker paper for writing. 

However, I only play an archaeologist on the Internet, so don’t quote me. 



Way Back Wiping


...Smelly out-of-water shitters with wings and legs started slithering out of the muck roughly 200 million years ago. We’ve had to watch where we walked ever since. Non-wipers were everywhere and went everywhere. Skipping ahead to the dinosaurs, archaeologists called “scatologists” have found some large dino doo, which is technically called a coprolite.

One of the largest coprolites ever found was a foot and half long pile left by a Tyrannosaurus Rex from Saskatchewan, Canada. Not as big as one might imagine, butt it did have 66 million years to shrink! Today the biggest non-wiping land shitter is the elephant, easily dropping 500 pounds on unlucky ants every day. However, the current king of shit is the Blue Whale. Now they kind of cheat, since they pee and shit together, a skill that results in a terrifying mixture I like to call “shee.” Every day the average Blue Whale lets loose 3 tons of shee fun on the run. However, being hairless, surrounded by cleansing salt water, and moving forward all the time, they have no need to wipe. The fish behind and below them however, probably need a full body wash and wipe...

Pre-Wipers

...Today we see a glimmer of habits that may, given a few billion years, someday lead to the advanced evolution of wiping.

• Mother chimps have been seen cleaning their babies’ butts
• Birds and mammals keep nests free of shit
• Reindeer and caribou migrate, in part, because their fields get built up with dung.
• Brown rats like to go in corners.
• Raccoons, badgers, lemurs, and tapirs, wildebeests, sloths, badgers, loons, African mole rats, and some caterpillars, all use a special area as a latrine.
• Bizarrely, butt truly, llamas have been repeatedly observed actually waiting in line to use a designated bathroom area.

The best non-wiping “get-that-shit-out-of-here” technique in the animal kingdom is shared by two animals: the Rhinoceros Hornbill of Thailand and baby Kingfishers, both of which have somehow perfected the ability to actually projectile shoot their shit out the entrance of their tree trunk nests. Now that’s really shooting the shit!

The Missing Stink

Somewhere between 49,037 and 49,038 years ago it happened. Wiping was discovered. Now I’m not an archaeologist, and the 37 qualified archaeologists I asked to help me with this book didn’t return my emails; I’m not sure why. So, the reader should therefore be advised that I am making this number up based mostly on late night blurry surfs of questionable websites and pure fantasy.

Undeterred, I shall continue to pull the following historical facts out of my ass.

49,037.5 years ago we suddenly got some serious brain power. We started making tools, burying our dead, traveling a lot, and meeting new and interesting people. We also started making clothes, and then promptly taking those clothes off to make more babies. In the next 40,000 years we went from tens of thousands of humans on the planet, to around 8 million by about 10,000 years ago. That’s a lot of sex. And not just the old fashioned in-the-woods-Neanderthal sex, because with bigger brains comes good ideas, like beds, pillows, and the discovery that consensual sex can often result in more sex. Amid all this sex with bigger brains, the new positions were no doubt discovered, which lead logically to clean butts becoming more and more essential if one to were to have the maximum amount of fun. I can’t speak for everyone, butt I know that when I’ve ever tried Kama Sutra type position experiments, a clean butt is appreciated.

Sometime, somewhere, some one was the first to wipe – the missing stink.

Here’s how it happened...

Rough Start, The Tests

Shells
Coastal people the world over have long used shells; mussel shells in particular are favored, although the Polynesian cultures favored coconut shells and husks.

Test
Small clamshell: Wrong shape, scraped a bit. Marginally effective.
Mussel Shells: While out to eat with friends we ordered drunken mussels in a wine sauce. I asked to take the shells home when we were done. Curious looks followed, and then my wife assured the others at the table that she would fill them in after we were done with dessert and out of the restaurant. At home I washed them in bleach and soaked them in water to try to simulate a beach mussel shell that had been cleaned by sand and sun. At the time of the test I held up a shell and realized that the small end, where the two shells hinge, is very well shaped for the job at hand! I held the round wide end and gave it a go. Effective! Three shells later, I was clean enough to be invited to a pit roast in 7,000 BC. At first shells seem like a very bad idea. Not so I found. On coastlines, they are plentiful, shaped right, and are clean. Shells were also an early form of recycling because they are basically a package for the food inside them that were thrown away. Using them to wipe is just like using a newspaper to wipe with after reading it.

The Rear End: EMERGENCY TP!